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****This post is what inspired me to start this blog. I’m hoping to have lots of other fun stories that are up to the crazy and hilarity that this one is. The following story is 100% true. No names were changed to protect anyone’s identity. I think it should be known that it was my family and they are crazy. Bless their hearts.****

Welcome to my world!

I don’t know how many of you know that I am originally from the South. I hail from the great state of Florida, (Go Gators!) from a little area called Pensacola. Its in the panhandle right underneath Mississippi and Alabama.

When most people think of Florida they think of sunshine, warm beaches, bathing suits, Disney World and pristine oceans.

Not me. (This is where you start reading in a southern accent for the full affect.)

I think of front porch sittin’, flea markets, gas station hang outs, dead cars torn to bits in the front yard, ladies in curlers smokin’ a cigarette and homes you can take with you when you decide it’s time for a change of scenery.

That’s right. I come from the trailer park. Surprised? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I’ve lived in Utah most of my life but there’s a sayin’ that says “You can take the girl out of the honky-tonk but you can’t take the honky-tonk out of the girl.” Well, this rings true not just for this girl but for my entire family. Now I want you to know that I love my family. I do, Heaven help me. But just because I love them doesn’t mean I can’t make light of the crazy drama they create and decide to share with the world.

Like last night for instance….

Here’s a mini back story to catch y’all up really quick: My little sister has 2 little girls and has no desire to do anything to better her or her children’s lives. She likes to see how much she can get from people before they get sick of it. Apparently, it’s been my mom’s turn to get pushed for the past, pshhhh….month or so. Mama finally got tired of it and told my sister she needs to start being a mom and blah blah blah.

Now you’re caught up. Anyway, my sister decides that “she’s a good mama and doesn’t need this anymore,” then starts getting all riled up and eggin’ my mama on. And my poor mama, not always knowin’ when to walk away, starts gettin’ riled up herself and returning the terms of endearment that were already being exchanged in her own special, colorful way. It was too cold outside durin’ all this or else I’m sure they would have taken this outside to let the neighbors know how much affection they have for each other at this particular moment.

Well, my sister, by this time, has decided now that the audience in the house is too small and wants a little more testosterone present. She starts telling my mama “why don’t you hit me so I can call the cops and get you arrested.” Then she said something else and mama snapped and punched her in the shoulder. I know. I groaned when I heard that too.

Now Dawn decides to add some salt to the wound and says she’s gonna call the cops and mama will be arrested for domestic violence. Mama, however, preempts Dawn’s threat and calls the cops herself and tells them, “I just got into a fight with my daughter and I hit her in the shoulder. Come and arrest me.” Mama sure showed Dawn! She called ’em first just to say that Dawn didn’t.

The cops show up and try and find out what happened. From mama’s report, “they sure did look like they were having a hard time keepin’ a straight face.” (I’m just really glad she was telling me this over the phone because I was havin’ a little giggle fit myself.) Well, neither of them file any sort of official report but the cops said that if they got called out again then mama was gonna have to go to jail. Spooked mama somethin’ fierce by them sayin’ that. And my poor step-daddy just doesn’t know what to do in all of this. He finally tells Dawn to leave and she gets all up on her high horse and gets all “Oh no you didn’t!” on him and tells him “she ain’t leaving until she’s good and ready.” So mama decides to leave and not tell anyone where she’s goin’. Always a good idea when she’s not exactly in the most happy of places. *eyeroll

Mama ends up going to her sister’s house in SLC and hides out there for a bit. Next day, she’s still fumin’ hot and decides that my step-daddy and my sister are in cahoots together and that she just won’t take that. She got herself “my other sister” an apartment in SLC to show them that she’s an independent woman who don’t need nobody. She can do it all herself! (Just a bit of an over reaction if you ask me.)

Well, now we come to now. Mama and the step-daddy are talkin’ again but the crazy sister is still at the house and no one knows about the secret “my other sister’s” apartment. (Shhh! Don’t tell her I told you.) I’m sure we’ll get Dawn out of the house one of these days. I’m think. Maybe. The babies are always welcome. She, however, only gets a limited time offer, you know, if she actually ever leaves. I wonder if mama is ever gonna be able to live in her own house again? I guess that’s what I get for thinkin’, huh?

I’m not lying about this. I’m not clever enough to make anything like this up. This is my family.

Aren’t you glad you know me?